Passengers on the Pahi (bus):

Meet WIRIWIRI aka CRAZED-NEAR-NAKED-WHITE-FULLA

I see that Robyn Malcom is doing a documentary on you, me and anxiety I also saw on her FB page a post about cold water swimming as one technique to possibly assist with managing anxiety. I remember watching Kim Crossman, another talented woman actress talk about her struggles with anxiety and depression. I also read today about a colleague who has just returned from a weathering an extreme storm (I’d say it sounded like a tsunami) of anxiety and survived.

It reminded me that there are so many of us out there struggling with anxiety and depression and keeping up appearances on the outside. It reminded me that none of us ever really know what is going on inside for anyone. It also reminded me that the more we talk about our own struggles and what helps and doesn’t help - this will help someone eventually.

I wrote this post a while ago - but paused in publishing it. Not sure if that’s because of the un PC name of my passenger on the bus. Or the fact that I am a psychologist by trade?

This taonga (treasure) can help take a slightly lighter look at some of our emotions. Like how Robyn Malcom knew that one day her description of hiding in a toy cupboard following a panic attack would one day make a funny story, although not feeling the slightest bit funny at the time.

It is also a useful technique to help one learn to observe our emotions and also not get so caught up with them as well. This taonga comes from both ACT (Acceptance Commitment Therapy). But actually, our own indigenous knowledge, lived and breathed this concept in a much deeper and spiritual way (see Mahi a Atua) before this ACT was ‘come upon.’ And actually a lot of ACT ideas came from Buddhism. But all of that is a whole other post.

ACT promotes the idea of cognitive diffusion. This is a fancy word for being able to step back and not get so caught up in your thoughts. Given that it is estimated that each of us have about 90,000 negative thoughts a day, this can be a useful technique. One of their strategies is an exercise where you name the passengers on your bus.

If you think of yourself as the driver of your Pahi (bus, waka, van, Honda civic, Porsche) and in your vehicle, you have a number of other passengers. These passengers can either help you or thwart you in your endeavours to travel along the road and journey of our life. Its important to get to know these passengers.

And so, I would like to introduce you all to one of my passengers, who has been sitting right next to me SO MANY TIMES THIS YEAR.

Meet WIRIWIRI. He is the name I have given my anxiety. His original name was CRAZED-NEAR-NAKED-WHITE-FULLA. Do you remember that Tip Top Ice Cream Ad with the spindly white dude walking through town in his undies vs togs. The closer he got to the beach, he was in togs. The closer he got to town he was in his undies.

Well, this is who I envisage what WIRIWIRI looks like. Except he doesn’t walk calmly like the dude does in the tip top ice cream ad. Instead he is running around screaming, ‘OMG. This is the worst thing in the world to happen. I can not handle this at all. OMG, OMG, OMG.’

Here is an example of WIRIWIRI, prior to our first lockdown. (excuse the formatting - it went wiwi wawa with cut and paste)

“LOCKDOWN”

SCENE 1: LISA’S ROOM – early morning – a week before LOCK DOWN

WIRIWIRI (a real skinny man wearing just Speedos (or undies) depending on perspective, with dishevelled hair) is standing over watching LISA sleep. (Yes a bit creepy)

LISA stirs as she is begins to come into consciousness. The time is 6.05am. WIRIWIRI prepares himself. He leans down towards her left ear. LISA begins to wake.

                                                        WIRIWIRI (yells excitedly like Elf saying ‘its Christmas ) CORONA VIRUS!!!!!!!!!

LISA’s eyes jolt open. Stares straight at WIRIWIRI.

                                                        WIRIWIRI

                                          OMG! Corona virus

WIRIWIRI flaps his arms around wildly. LISA closes her eyes. Puts her hands over her ears.

                                                        LISA

                                          Bugger off would you?

                                                        WIRIWIRI

                                          The corona virus is here! We are all going to die!

LISA

                                          We have 5 cases.

WIRIWIRI

                                          Italy once had 5 cases!

LISA

                                          Go away. It’s 6 o’clock in the morning,

WIRIWIRI

                                          Turn the TV on!

LISA

                                          What the hell for?

WIRIWIRI

                                          So we can find out how many more cases there are!

Lisa rolls over the other side, away from WIRIWIRI. Eyes closed, she reaches for the remote control and turns the TV on. TV 1 and it is John Campbell and Haley Holt. LISA puts it on mute.

WIRIWIRI leaps over the bed to the other side where LISA has turned.

WIRIWIRI

                                          Check Facebook. See what the news is on there!

                                                        LISA

                                          I’m not checking FB.

                                                        WIRIWIRI

                                          Do it! C’mon. We need to know how much worse it has got!

LISA groans. Rolls over. At the same time she picks up her phone and starts mindlessly scrolling. WIRIWIRI folds his arms up, rolls his eyes.

                                                        WIRIWIRI

                                          Thank you.

END OF SCENE

Some days I can feel as if WIRIWIRI has hijacked the friggin car. This observation, this way of externalising the ‘problem’ can sometimes help me to relax a little and sometimes have a little giggle at the parts of myself that come out to play in different situations.

Sometimes it also helps me to be kinder and a bit more compassionate about the parts of myself that I might get frustrated about. In reality, all WIRWIRI is wanting to do is make sure I am prepared and that I am safe and the people around me are safe. The more I yell at him to bugger off, the more likely he is to stay right in my face.

The ACT part of this, is learning to accept all the passengers and that as much as you might one passenger or passengers to get off the bus FOREVER, in many instances it is accepting that passenger’s presence and learning to manage the passenger better. Not letting a particular passenger take over the wheel. YOU are the driver of your bus. You are at the wheel.

This year, I have struggled with anxiety. It has been helpful at times (and not always) to imagine WIRIWIRI aka Crazed Near-Naked-White-Fulla (like in the Tip Top ice cream ad) running around in his ‘togs, togs, togs, undies’ awfulizing about EVERYTHING and just letting him say all of his ‘but what if’s’ and continuing to keep driving my Pahi. I might ask him to move towards the back of the bus at times.

I won’t lie though. At times, I have used other ways to get him to ‘shut the hell up.’ With food. With alcohol. With sleep. And with rongoā. But other times, using this ACT technique, I have been able to watch and observe him. I’ve been able to accept his presence. I let him sit next to me and tell him stuff like, ‘We’ve got this,” or “We can handle it,” “The Universe has got our back” and my favourite, “Loving spirits surround us.”

And most importantly, I keep driving.