Part B: He karanga - a call to arms

An update and honest reflection

My first ever Iron Man (3.8 k swim, 180 k bike and 42 k run) event in 2014 - about to cross the finish line with 15 minutes to spare. Prior to stepping up to the start line, I remember being disapointed with myself because I had not reached my ‘goal weight’ of 78kilos. How bizzare is that?

I wrote this post a year ago- and not sure why I didn’t post it. It was a follow up to a podcast (see Lisas podcast ) of two poems - one of my own called ‘He karanga- a call to arms) and the other poem was written by a good friend - also about our bodies. This post I’ve written here - is a cool segue to a project I have been working on for a number of years and I hope to ‘birth’ later this year called ‘My TIHEI Journal.’ (more to come in the following weeks)

Anyway here is the post that has been sitting in my drafts for over a year. Every word still applies a year later (with more consumption of alcohol occurring as well).

He karanga. A call to arms.

I can write about it. But can I practise what I preach?  Seems not.

Still ruminating about how overweight I am. Still ruminating about my unhealthy eating patterns. Junk food addiction. Inconsistent exercise. Beer drinking tendencies that are creeping into week nights and not just a friday or saturday.

You are fat. And you are all shit.

If love was an action, she would eat food that sings to her soul and nourishes her body.

If love was an action, she would move her body even when she didn’t feel like it

If love was an action, she would say less hui and more doey.

If love was an action, she would stop dieting and stop trying to loose weight and find a way of eating and exercising that felt good and freeing.

Hauora. On my own terms. In my own way.

Its all about mindset, BFF told me.

Exercising cause it makes your body feel good.

Eating what you want. But adding more mauri enhancing kai – real food with it.

I like to dance and groove. I love to swim. I like walking and running to great sounds. I like to spin to good sounds as well.

I don’t really love to cycle for 7 or 8  hours. I don’t love to walk or run for 6 hours.

I don’t mind a swim, bike and run. But not really a 16 hour one. Doing hard stuff though challenges you, and shows you what you are capable of. I get this. I will do this hard stuff on 3rd December 2022, when I step up to do Iron Toa. One hour at a time. One bite of the elephant at a time.

I will still be fat. And undercooked for the event. But no way am I not turning up because I am 20 kilo’s heavier then what I was when I did my first Iron Man event in 2014. I may not meet the cut off time either, but I am still going to turn up and give it my best shot. I know that is not the ‘athlete’ mind set either but an Iron Maori one is about participation. And believe to achieve. Your race at your pace. But I also need to be realistic as well.

Its not the healthiest of things to do either being so overweight and giving it a go. But maybe this is about my unique journey to actualising hauora. And so whilst for some, Iron Māori had been the catalyst to leading healthier life styles, the journey for me has not been so linear. More like two steps forward and three backwards. And to hope that training for an event will be cure for my eating and weight issues, is unrealistic.

It is about hauora.

Wellbeing from all angles. Physically, spiritually, mentally and our relationships with ourselves and each other.

I am obese. I am fat. I am overweight. I binge eat. I am addicted to junk food. I drink beersies once a week or more.

I exercise inconsistently. I enter triathlon events and endurance events as a way to try and get me to exercise regularly. But I am still inconsistent. I don’t do nothing but I don’t exercise consistently.

I ruminate constantly about being fat. I cry at times. I say real mean stuff to myself at times. I then ‘re-set’ and spend hours and days planning my next programme going forward. Sometimes this last weeks, sometimes this last days, sometimes this lasts a few hours. It was the same pattern, I used to get into about stopping smoking.

Each failed attempt resulted in smoking to the cows came home, before re-setting again.  But I always came back to trying again. And eventually I quit smoking for good.

What have I learnt from all these years of trying to loose weight?

1)      In 2014, when I was at 80 kilo’s and did my first Iron Man event, I still thought I was too overweight and wished I had reached the goal of 78 kilo’s.

2)      In 2022, I am 20 kilo’s heavier and I really am overweight. And even if I lost 20 kilo’s now, I would still think I am too overweight and too slow to do Iron Toa. Well I am not going to loose 20 kilos and I may well be too overweight and too slow to do Iron Toa, but I am still going to turn up to the line, fatness and all. ‘Do it for the big gals’ someone once told me a few years back.

3)      I have learnt that dieting does not work. The weight still comes back on.

4)      I have learnt that signing up for triathlon and endurance events ‘does not work’ either. The weight still ends coming back on.

5)      Somewhere inside me of me – I know that I just need to STOP dieting and STOP trying to loose weight and focus on HAUORA.  Imagine, living your life not worrying about food and weight. Imagine the focus being meaningfully and authentically on spiritual, physical, mental and  family/ relationships wellbeing.

6)      I do need some ‘guidelines’ to help me navigate my own unique HAUORA journey and to come to a place of peace regrading food, weight and exercise. To be able to stop using food to numb, comfort, to fill in and to stop the pattern of binge eating. To be able to exercise without the condition of that it will lead to me having a goddess like body…one day. To be comfortable and confident within my own body, rolls, cellulite and all.

And to actualise HAUORA – my version of wellbeing, of health.  

HAUORA ON MY OWN TERMS. IN MY OWN WAY:

My guidelines

TAHA TINANA:

A)     TINO KAI – eat food that sings to my soul (like a yummy macaroni cheese) alongside kai that nourishes my tinana (yup there we have vegetables and fruit – aka MAURI EHANCING KAI)

B)     Add more MAURI ENHANCING KAI to all my meals (protein, vegetables and fruit)

C)      KIA ATA KAI  – Eat mindfully and carefully. Eat in moderation. Use smaller portions. Eat when I’m hungry and stop when I’m full. I don’t have to eat it all tonight in the plan that tomorrow I will ‘be good’ and only eat salad.  No food is off limits. But also knowing that I have certain trigger foods (ie foods that once I start eating, I have trouble stopping eating them such as chippies, BBQ peanuts and Caramilk chocolate) so therefore  it is best NOT to have them sitting in my cupboard. However, if I decide they are called for, then to buy PRN (as required) but possibly in smaller portion or at least make sure there are others around you can share the food with. Lol.  

TAHA HINENGARO

A)     Acceptance of my body.  As is. Where is.

This is a ‘before’ photo I took in June of this year, to act as an incentive for when I then took an ‘after’ photo. I am still the same size, could possibly be heavier.

B)     Get up. Dress up. Show up. Visualise self as a happy size 18 rocking up to Iron Toa (omg – this will be a challenge, I can feel all the whakama enveloping me right now).

C)      Mindset: eating and exercising for me, not to loose weight or get ripped. Choosing food that sings to my soul and exercise that feels good.

D)     Say goodbye to diets and OTT (over the top) exercise regimes that never last

E) Let thy mantra be: BALANCE and CONSISTENCY

F) Get comfortable with sitting in the discomfort of NOT using food to numb, delay, fill in or comfort

TAHA WAIRUA

A)     Identifying atua to help me in this HAUORA journey- healing, recovery, determination, perseverance, unconditional love

B)     Karakia

C)      Actions that nourish my spirit – music, the beach, CREATIVE WRITING!!!!!!

TAHA WHANAU

A)     Sharing this journey with others, maybe it will help someone else.

B)     Participating still in Iron Toa, fatness ‘n all.

C)      Sharing the love with my whanau

Moe and Hine - I’ve realised also that this obsession with my weight and food stops me also from doing what really sings to my soul, and that is creative writing. I’ve spent the morning writing this update - because it is what is ‘on top’ for me. But it also meant not catching up with either of you. Again. Kia manawanui mai.

#IronMaori #IronToa

P.S. I did turn up for Iron Toa 2022, very undercooked and unfit and heavier. My goal was participation - I did the 3.8k swim and did 2 bike laps (120k’s). I didn’t go out for the 3rd lap because I knew I wouldn’t make the cut off time. I then had a wonderful rest of the day and night cheering our Iron Toa athletes on the run and seeing each and everyone of them cross over the line. It was a very special event and I am proud that I turned up to the start line and was a part of the first ever indigenous run Iron Man length event in the world! (here is Iron Toa day reflections