Old wounds
Old wounds:
As a 6 year old, my parents divorced. Decisions were made about me, without me. My brothers would live with my father. I would live with my mother and step-father.
Being the good girl. Always doing the right thing. Good at school. Good at University. The good Māori. Doing it all the right way.
The good girl with a dormant Rūaumoko inside of me.
Old Wounds:
Relationships: Too loud. Too blonde. Too excitable. Too much energy. Too much swearing. Too much.
Be quieter. Be less bubbly. Be less you. Placate. Play the game.
Old wounds:
I will swear. I will stamp my feet. I will be immature. I will express my emotions. I will behave badly. Fuck you.
The rebel in me.
I will smoke. I will swear. I will be unconventional. I won’t be a ‘proper’ psychologist. I will choose to be a single Mum. You’re not the boss of me. Independent.
Old wounds:
Powerlessness. No control. Parking hurts. Managing emotions. Methodically. Calmly. For years. Court processes.
But now I need to release the ghost of you lingering in my present.
Thank you for showing me my strength. My grace.
But you are not needed in my present.
Old wounds:
Here are my battle scars. They are not going away. But let’s put some Bio Oil on them. Mirimiri the scars with love and tenderness.
Old wounds:
At the same time:
I am fire.
I am rumbling.
I am energy.
I am passion.
I am life.
I am vitality.
I can honour and embrace the Rūaumoko within me.
For he is telling me that something matters.
And I can also breathe like Tāwhirimātea.
I can release and de-escalate like Te Ihorangi.
I can surf the emotions like Tangaroa.
I can mirimiri like Rongo.
I can korero like Tāne Mahuta.
And I can reconnect and love like Papatūānuku.
‘I am not my wounds.’ (Inga Rose)
I discovered this artist whilst I was away holidaying in Rarotonga, she has so many amazing mana wāhine songs. This song, ‘I’m not my wounds’ – I only listened carefully to the words last night, after I had written my own poem. So many lines in it that waiata that resonated with me. But what felt like synchronicity was I had also written some similar lines as I processed my ‘Old wounds’. My lines: I am fire. I am rumbling. I am energy. I am passion. I am life. I am vitality. Hers: ‘I am my breath. I am fire. I am I.” Have a listen, it is an extremely powerful waiata.
